You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
