So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
