I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
