Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
