I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
