Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
