so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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