According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
