went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
