You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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