from now on my penis is your penis
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Someone shattered a urinal.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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