NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
