Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
