god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
