my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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