Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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