yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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