i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
