have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
