just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
