i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
