Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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