My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
