Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Shame - the story of my life.
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