It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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