they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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