I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
