I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
