Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
