So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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