turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
