The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
