Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
