Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have aggressive nipples.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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