I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
