I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Randomize
