made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
