I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
