It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
