Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
