the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
