my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
