How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize