After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
