Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
