I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
