i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
