Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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