just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
