My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
