I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
