my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
