Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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