I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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