she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
