If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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