when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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