We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
