yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Randomize